


Is it Worth It?

by Kira_Dattei



Series: Moments Between Missions [4]
Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Established Relationship, M/M, One Shot, Overthinking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-30
Updated: 2017-10-30
Packaged: 2019-01-26 13:51:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,283
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12558780
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kira_Dattei/pseuds/Kira_Dattei
Summary: Kaidan thinks too much. He knows that but it doesn't keep it from happening.





	Is it Worth It?

**Author's Note:**

> The inspiration pic for this one was the guys making out with Kaidan sitting on Shepard's desk. My brain can get interesting when figuring out how to get to an endgame scene.

_Legion made all geth sentient like him, sacrificing himself in the process. There was enough arguing to hold us over for a month. Shepard yelled at them to get them to behave. And, just in case you missed it when I detailed the event, Shepard faced off against a fucking Reaper all by himself._

Kaidan looked over the last few sentences of his report. His official report, which would be sent to Hackett and the Council; both because they’d really hit the jackpot on intel everyone needed to be in the know about throughout the mission. He’d typed those sentences about half an hour ago and had been looking at them ever since, completely at a loss as to how to word what had happened more officially and less emotionally.

Really, he was supposed to be great at reports, detailed but not too wordy. He knew Shepard and Vega’s style of filling out reports so he maneuvered his own to contain things they’d leave out. He even had a pretty good awareness of what his superior officers and the Council were looking for in what they read, so he’d shift his style a bit to suit who was going to be the primary recipient. And he’d read _so many_ reports throughout his career that he knew right away what made for a bad report.

What he was looking at, coming from his own brain and fingers, was a bad report.

Most of it wasn’t so bad, a simple accounting of what he’d experienced on Rannoch. He had a few files that would be attached, readouts on the data Legion uploaded to the geth, a full accounting of remaining numbers for both the geth and the quarians, that sort of thing. It was still on the long side, with so much having happened once they’d landed, but nothing was superfluous. Except for glossing over Legions final act, calling out the bickering, and restating Shepard nearly getting fried to take down a Reaper all on his own. Those parts could use some rewording.

Maybe he should take a break and come back to it later.

It wasn’t like he was being pressed to get it sent off. Hell, he doubted Shepard had even touched a datapad to look at the form; it was no secret the Commander hated paperwork and put it off as long as he could. And considering the loss of Legion, who’d been a comrade to Shepard, he was likely giving the fallen geth the dedication of some time of thought before he went back into the thick of the war efforts. They didn’t have the luxury of a break now, already getting prepped to head off to the next mission, so if it wasn’t allowed now, it wasn’t likely to happen for a while and Shepard wouldn’t want to disrespect Legion like that.

Kaidan didn’t want to disrespect Legion like that by understating what the geth had done for the sake of his kind and everyone facing the Reapers.

But that’s what he was doing right now, getting ticked at Shepard for that stupid stunt he’d pulled and ignoring…

Oh…

Kaidan was tempted to smack himself upside the head, and he likely would have if he wasn’t already ignoring the headache brought on by his extensive biotic use through the mission on Rannoch. He really needed to get used to how his protective instinct came out a little differently when it regarded Shepard.

The thing was, he was used to being ready to throw a Barrier over someone when they were in danger, or focus on an enemy when he saw them targeting a squad mate who couldn’t deal with the threat. He was primarily trained as a Sentinel and that was still very much how he acted in battle: he looked after the squad.

Shepard did the same thing in that he was always looking out for his crew. This came out more apparently when they weren’t on mission as he was more aggressive in battle and trusted his squad members better suited to that task.

So, Kaidan knew on an instinctual level that Shepard could take care of himself, had taken care of himself for a good chunk of his life. He didn’t need to be looked after so Kaidan gave him some breathing room.

But that didn’t keep Kaidan from worrying about him when he pulled crazy stunts that gave him a reputation across the galaxy. And when Kaidan got worried like he’d been about Shepard on Rannoch, he got irritated and willing to smack the guy he loved upside the head.

Apparently.

He didn’t remember this being an issue any time before.

This was something he’d need to get a handle on if he was going to be with Shepard through this war. He couldn’t get pissed off every time the Commander did something insane or he’d pretty much always be mad at him.

He set his datapad down on the cushion next to him before standing up and walking over to the window of the Starboard Observation Deck, leaning his forearm against the glass and resting his forehead against his arm. The cool glass was soothing for his always heated body and he felt some tension leak away from him, then focused on deepening his breathing so he’d relax even more.

Would this be an issue? Could caring about Shepard like this become a problem, mess with their efficiency on missions? Was them being together something that could put themselves and their friends in danger? Had he screwed up?

Shit, it only took two months for him to doubt getting into a relationship with Shepard. It was something he’d wanted since Shepard first visited him at Huerta and he’d needed less time to think he’d mess up than it’d taken him to heal and be back in the field.

“The field’s easy,” he muttered absently.

It’s what he believed, though. Figuring out the days between getting shot at was where Kaidan faltered and as much as he trusted Shepard, he didn’t have that same faith in himself not to screw things up. Because wasn’t that what he was doing now?

Kaidan turned away from the window, leaning his back against it and letting his head rest against the glass to allow the cold to soothe closer to the source of his headache. His eyes looked down to his datapad, the display having gone dark without him using it.

That’s what he needed. He needed his head to stop for a while until he got back on track. This wasn’t a good way for him to be stuck in his head – it happened more often than he’d like but not as often as it used to – and so he needed a distraction, something to focus on that wasn’t a stressor.

He acknowledged the irony that his first thought of what met those requirements was Shepard. He didn’t give himself a chance to hesitate though, activating his omnitool and typing out a message to Shepard’s terminal.

 

_To: Commander Shepard_

_From: Kaidan Alenko_

_Let me know when you have a minute. Could use some company._

 

Kaidan stepped away from the window and walked back to the couch, sitting down as he picked his datapad up and turned on the display. He deleted the last few sentences of the report, needing them to not be there when he returned to finish it, and turned it back off after making sure nothing was set to send off before he was done.

And not knowing when he’d hear back from Shepard, he switched tasks, pulling up the unread reports he’d been sent over the past day and getting ready to get some work done on his ever-growing database of activity against the Reapers. He’d barely started reading one when his omnitool pinged with a received message.

 

_To: Kaidan Alenko_

_From: Commander Shepard_

_I’m in my cabin. Come on up._

 

Kaidan felt like he shouldn’t have been as thrown as he was, both by how quickly he’d heard back from Shepard and how readily Shepard had invited him to his cabin. Sure, they’d hung out there a few times since getting together, but they’d always been working when they’d headed that way, then had settled on one of the couches with a drink and kept talking for a while longer until Kaidan called it a night. Kaidan knew Shepard had been taking things slow and he suspected it was being done on his account.

They’d already had sex – even though it had been over three years ago – so there shouldn’t be any reason to be taking things slow.

Except that Kaidan was appreciating the pace. But maybe that had become part of the problem for him and why he was having such strong doubts now, wondering if Shepard still wanted him after actually spending time together with him. That night before Ilos had been greatly driven by impulsive emotion and things had been too crazy afterward for them to really talk about it. And then Shepard had been dead and Kaidan had been devastated and full of regret. Maybe Shepard had found the chance to regret things now.

Getting frustrated with himself, because this was exactly the sort of thoughts he was looking to get past when he reached out to Shepard, he turned his datapad off and stood. He kept the datapad with him, more out of habit than anything, figuring if nothing else he could take up a corner of Shepard’s couch and work through his report with the Commander.

He made his way to the elevator and leaned against the wall as it rose to Deck 1 and Shepard’s cabin. He stepped out, moving only a little slower than his normal gait towards the door, hitting the notification button on the panel next to the door to let Shepard know he was there. The door slid open right away and he stepped in, the door closing behind him and cutting him off from the rest of the ship.

This was Shepard’s space, private and tucked away with the option of being inaccessible to everyone else if Shepard so chose. It was comfortable to Kaidan in a way different than the Observation Deck.

Shepard stepped into view, coming around the corner to his office area and Kaidan figured he must have been at his terminal when Kaidan had sent the message.

“Hey,” Shepard greeted smoothly. He looked a little tired, but no worse off than he normally was after a mission. Sure, there was a bit of an emotional shadow to his gaze that told Kaidan Legion was at least on his mind, but wasn’t weighing on him like Thane had. And there were a few small cuts on his face and head from debris hitting him – Kaidan had similar abrasions – but nothing worse.

That helped, Kaidan realized, seeing that Shepard was as okay as he’d been when they’d left Rannoch.

Now Kaidan was really feeling irrational.

“Hey,” the biotic responded, with only a slight pause between them and Shepard’s expression tightened a little for a second, letting Kaidan know he’d noticed. Not that Kaidan had been particularly evasive in his message. “Not breaking you off from anything important, am I?” he had to ask.

“Nah, nothing that can’t wait until later. We have a few days before we hit Lesuss so I’ve managed to get some leeway on catching up. I know I’ll need all the time I can get to work through the reports for the Dreadnought and Rannoch.”

Kaidan shook his head as he stepped further into the room. “You haven’t finished your report for the Dreadnought?”

Shepard waited at the corner and when Kaidan stepped close enough, he reached out and touched his cheek before leaning forward and claiming a quick kiss. “Are you kidding? I haven’t even started it.” At Kaidan’s flat look, Shepard gave him a shrug. “Come on, Kaidan. This shouldn’t come as a surprise at all. You know how I prefer to do reports.”

“Not at all?”

“Exactly. So procrastination at least makes me feel like I’m doing it when I feel like instead of having to keep to a deadline.”

“That makes no sense, Shepard.”

“Never said it did. Actually, I thought the message from you was you forwarding your report on Rannoch to me. I almost didn’t open it when I noticed there wasn’t any subject. Lucky for us, I’m observant.”

Kaidan really couldn’t help but smile at Shepard’s easy tone. He was always so relaxed, so free in his behavior. He didn’t get awkward, or say something and then worry about if he’d said something he shouldn’t have, like Kaidan did. Even down on Rannoch, he’d stopped the fighting by _yelling_ and he hadn’t hesitated, just did what needed to be done. Kaidan had some of that confidence, especially when he was in command, but doubts were always close behind. He always worried about making the right choice, about setting himself up for more consequences he couldn’t deal with.

“You okay?” Shepard asked. Kaidan wasn’t sure if there’d been a pause to get the man to ask.

“I’m fine,” the answer was out before he could think of saying anything else. It was just automatic to say that when people asked. After all, most people didn’t really want to know how much ignoring of his chronic pain was going on; they were just asking to be polite. “I’m almost finished with my report on Rannoch. I just needed a break for a while, get my thoughts straight before finishing it off.”

Shepard wasn’t buying it. Kaidan stepped past him, moving into the office area, setting his datapad next to Shepard’s terminal as he passed it and leaning against the desk along the wall. “You know, when you said that you needed some company, I figured we’d talk something besides work. You know, change things up a little in that regard.” Shepard was staying across the room, keeping distance as he gauged Kaidan’s response.

And Kaidan was already feeling guilty. He was the one having issues and was now taking it out on Shepard, who he’d reached out to so he could help him. Shepard couldn’t help him if he didn’t ask, though.

“Something’s bothering me,” he declared, knowing that he couldn’t take the scenic route to putting the issue out to Shepard or he’d never get to the point.

Shepard looked relieved and stepped over to lean against the desk next to his terminal. Kaidan figured he wanted to be closer but had noted how far away Kaidan had put himself and was respecting that.

“What is it?” he prompted Kaidan to continue.

“I sort of figured this would come up at some point, but was kind of hoping it wouldn’t be an issue for a while.”

“Okay. Just let me know what it is and we’ll see if it’s something we can settle.” He really was good at that, reading people to know when they needed someone else to say something to encourage them to keep sharing. Garrus said Shepard was a good charmer; Kaidan thought Shepard was just a good human being…and somewhat of a charmer.

“Do you think it’s smart for us to be together?” It was obvious that Shepard hadn’t been expecting him to say that, because his face fell and Kaidan felt even more guilty for bringing it up.

“What do you mean, Kaidan?” Shepard asked and it was strange to hear such a tone from him. All that certainty that was synonymous with Shepard was gone and he sounded concerned.

“Just what I said. Do you think being together is something we should be doing? And before you think it, this has nothing to do with regs. Those didn’t stop us before and they haven’t been a concern now.”

“Okay, if not the regs, then what? You seemed to think it was a good idea when you were asking me if I wanted to be with you. Which, before you think it, yes I still do.” There was a hint of frustration in Shepard’s voice towards the end where he rode the line of mocking. Kaidan didn’t mind, considering what he’d suddenly thrown at the man.

“I couldn’t finish my report. I was too pissed off about what you did, facing off against the Reaper on your own.” Shepard was quiet, and Kaidan let out a sigh as he ran his hand through his hair, knots from the day catching his fingers that he had to ignore the sting of. It sounded…well, so petty when he said it out loud, at least like that. “Here’s the thing: we’re at war and we’re soldiers. Both the Alliance and the Council rely on us to do a job. And that job relies on our first choices being for the good of others. We can’t have a shift in priority or we’ll hesitate to make the hard choices and that risks other people’s lives. It may not look like much, but what happened today ultimately affected my work. What’s to say next time, I won’t be outright compromised?”

Shepard crossed his arms and his eyes dropped from watching Kaidan. He was thinking about it carefully and Kaidan could appreciate that. After all, he wasn’t confident that he’d let them take the risk if he wasn’t given enough reason to think it was worth it. He’d thought it would be, just to be with Shepard to balance all the shit they dealt with, but his head wasn’t agreeing with what he’d felt anymore.

Not that overthinking things was a new thing for Kaidan, but he was quite a bit more irritated by getting caught up with him and Shepard.

“You know, sometimes I do actually forget what you were like when we first met,” Shepard finally said after quite a pause of gathering his thoughts. And Kaidan frowned at what he decided to say. Light blue eyes lifted back to look at him and took in Kaidan’s expression and he stood upright and stepped closer to Kaidan. “That came out not as complimentary as I meant it to be. I just meant that the confidence you used to only show in the field is there all the time now. It can make it hard to remember that it was after the debriefs that you would question what happened, you would wonder if we’d done the right thing. And I knew that was still something you'd worry about, I just didn’t think it would come out like this.”

Kaidan didn’t know how he should feel about Shepard practically mirroring his own thoughts.

“You think I’m overreacting?” he made sure it didn’t sound like an accusation.

“No, I think you’re just doing what you always did: making sure I’m doing the right thing. You know, looking out for us.”

“You’re taking a really long time to get to the point, Shepard.”

Shepard took another step closer to Kaidan, now standing toe-to-toe with the biotic and looking down the slight height difference between them with such a warm expression that Kaidan finally found a reason to wonder why he had a problem in the first place.

“It’s not an easy answer, especially knowing that you’re gonna spend the rest of the day dissecting what I say.” Now Kaidan felt his cheeks heat up a little, but wasn’t sure exactly why. It wasn’t even close to some of the vulgar things Shepard had thrown at him to get him to blush. “I’ll start by saying I’m done not being with you. It took us over three years to figure things out and damned if I’m gonna let that get screwed up.” Kaidan had to look down for a second, hearing something so heartfelt directed at him. “As far as us doing our jobs, we’ll manage. It’s what we’ve always been good at so it’s not what we have to worry about. We just need to figure out the rest.” Shepard reached out and laid his hand over the back of Kaidan’s neck. “Like dealing with my more dangerous decisions, because we know those aren’t going to stop. You have the right to get upset with me when I do something worth getting upset over.”

“You want me to be pissed that you took on a Reaper on your own?” That seemed weird, even for Shepard.

“Well, I don’t _want_ you to be pissed, but I don’t mind you feeling _something_ about me getting involved in something where I’d be more likely to die than survive.” Shepard pulled on his neck a little and Kaidan allowed himself to move closer to Shepard. His partner leaned forward as well, resting his head against Kaidan’s. “You think I don’t get caught up worrying about you?” The biotic tensed a little out of his surprise at the admission. “Mars wasn’t too long ago and seeing you beat up, unconscious, injured, and rushed into emergency care at the hospital isn’t something I forget.”

Kaidan didn’t really think of Mars, mostly because his memory was fuzzy from about the time they landed on Mars to when he woke up the fourth time in Huerta about a week after the attack. He had reports to tell him what happened, but there were only flashes of actual memory that was definitely his own. But because he mostly dismissed it, he’d admit to being remiss on how his injury – one that could have been fatal – had affected other people.

He turned his face towards Shepard’s neck, his lips gliding across rough stubble, and reached out and let his hands rest on Shepard’s sides just above the line of his pants. “I’m sorry, Shepard.”

“Don’t be. Just do what you did today and talk to me. That’s one thing we got good at. We work at it and it’ll be better than ever.”

“Sounds fair enough.”

Kaidan lifted his head, bringing his lips against Shepard’s in an intense kiss. He had Shepard’s answer, his own too, now he just needed to shut his brain up so he could move on from his doubting frame of mind.

Shepard responded immediately, pressing back against Kaidan and opening his mouth to the biotic’s tongue. Kaidan took his time tasting Shepard, his hands travelling up the solid chest, one wrapping around his neck while the other curled around the top of the buzzed head, pulling himself up against the hard body. Shepard’s arms moved in counter, wrapping around Kaidan’s waist to hug him fully as they came together.

He was startled out of the kiss as he was suddenly lifted from the ground, Shepard straightening his posture and taking Kaidan with him, then he stepped forward and slid Kaidan back to sit on the desk behind him. Kaidan’s right arm reached down instinctively, getting his bearings as Shepard lowered his weight onto the surface while staying pressed as close as he could to Kaidan’s body. One of Shepard’s hands moved from his back, stroking along his side and down over his hips and to his thigh, taking hold before pulling Kaidan back towards him a little. It was a deliberate move that pressed their crotches together, bringing attention to how interested they both were in where this was going.

Shepard pressed a quick kiss to Kaidan’s lips, then another, then moved down to his neck, heading right for the line of his uniform’s collar, mouthing and nipping at the skin right above the thick material. Kaidan was ready to tell Shepard he could get the shirt out of the way when both his partner’s hands went to work unfastening the clasps and buttons on his shirt, pulling the material apart once the top few were undone and attacking the skin just above Kaidan’s collarbone. The biotic inhaled sharply and his hand curled into a fist at the back of Shepard’s head as the other grabbed onto one of Shepard’s hands, holding on tightly as he felt a spike of pleasure.

“Damn, you taste good,” Shepard muttered against his skin before he moved away from the now sensitive area and back to Kaidan’s mouth, proving his point by making sure his tongue explored as much as possible. He kept at that for another minute or so with Kaidan struggling to keep focused enough to at least let his hands do some exploring.

“You know I’m sticking around, right?” Kaidan asked once he got his mouth back for a few seconds.

Shepard pulled away and looked Kaidan right in the eyes, like he didn’t believe him.

“What’s that look for? I’m blaming this whole doubting being together on you saying good night the last few times I’ve been here. I was seriously starting to wonder if I’d imagined sleeping with you with how careful you’ve been about slowing things down.”

Shepard was quiet for a few seconds, taking in deep breaths to regain some control. “I was enjoying the time we didn’t get last time around. You see, I’m a gentleman when we aren’t heading to certain death.”

“Don’t make me laugh. It’ll ruin the mood. And I’m looking for that to not be the case.”

Shepard actually rolled his eyes at that and Kaidan allowed himself to smile a little. Shepard’s own expression softened at Kaidan’s smile, giving a smile of his own and his icy blue eyes softened as he just looked at Kaidan for a few seconds.

With that look alone, Kaidan got something of an idea of just how much Commander John Shepard cared about him and he knew what they had was worth it. His overanalyzing brain would get with the program sooner or later and he’d stop questioning it.

Eventually…

**Author's Note:**

> This one felt a little awkward when I was first writing it. When I went through to edit it, it wasn't as bad as I thought and I figured any awkwardness worked in its favor.  
> I also discovered the headcanon that Shepard has a thing with putting Kaidan on a desk to make out with him.  
> Thanks for reading and hope you enjoyed. See you next time.


End file.
